Johnny Baron Power Publicist

Imagine my chargin, waking up to hear my name being bandied about the news.

Bandied I tell you!

Has anyone bothered to call me? Johnny Baron? Power Publicist?
 To ask if I really exist? Or who I am? My career history?

I mean COME ON.

All you gotta do is type in... like I do - one finger at a time on my tiny hands - J O H N N Y B A R O N DOT C O M.

(The dot means the . at the end of the sentence. I'd call it a period, but then I'd be attacked for making a woman joke.  Like I need to joke about periods. C'mon already! I'm surrounded by crazy women with them every month! I just wish they'd get that organized so it was all on the same day! Then I could hide under my blanket!!! but i digress...)

Okay, in answer to your questions ABC, CBS, NBC, um... Fox... the other one - the Gates network.. MS... which reminds me a joke I once told about a guy with MS... "Hey! Look at me! I got MS...! NBC!!!  but I digress..

MSNBC.  Which I call "Mess o' NBC."  

Why? Becuase it's funny!

You want to interview me?  I'm right here. 

Johnny Baron.  Power Publicist.

Honestly the name is pronounced - "Bay-Rone."  Like Bay Ridge. Bay Rone. 

Originally it was "Barone" - like you know, in italy.  The Bay-Ronay.  The Bay-Roness di Monte Carlo... from a noble family in southern Eetaly.... but I digress.

Don't look that up - you won't find my gramps at Ellis Island.. why? Because I know how to work the net.  You don't see my byline do you?  You don't see my name anywhere on this frickin' net, do you?  

Because I know how to influence data. Got it?  But the reason I'm so good is because you don't know what to believe, and believe me, that's a talent I got.

What do you want to know?

Am I real?

As real as a fart in a crowded elevator.  But just like that - silent but deadly - because "he who smelt it dealt it" only you don't know who did it. BECAUSE I'M INVISIBLE.  I'M INDIVISIBLE AND SO THEREFORE I'M INVISIBLE. 

 So THAT'S WHY you don't know me. I like to keep my face out of the public eye.  Because... IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

IT'S ABOUT MY CLIENTS.

And oh man, I would tell you what kind of clients I got..  I have HUGE CLIENTS.

Major.  Billionaires.  Zillionaires.  Gazillionaires.  Celebs.  Celebrity dogs. Cats. I got 'em all, have repped 'em all - and you don't know me. DO YOU.

And I bet you'd like to know my famous clients, wouldn't you? Like to see a list?  Yeah, everyone wants a frickin' list!!!!  I'll GET YOU A FRICKIN' LIST AFTER I GIVE UP MY TAXES!

No Lists for You.  

I'm the Info Nazi. I'm also the Paparazzi Nazi.  That's right... if the Papparazzis don't do things like I tell them to do, they get shit- canned. Fired. Lost. Canned up and tossed in the shitter. Take a picture I don't like you don't work no more.

Don't go messin' with JBPP.  Because I have a long memory.  I remember each and every one of you out there.  And everyone who EVER LEFT A MESSAGE ON MY PHONE MACHINE.

That being said - I love the publicity machine that I've created.  It's made some really famous people famous.  But you don't know who they are - and I can't tell you.  Because that would be breach of promise.  You know what I'm saying?  I ain't breaching here.  So you want to know who I made famous?

Let me put up some pix for you.

Recognize this guy?

A nobody in Argentina... literally on the toilet list - which is right below the gornischt list - until I started talking about him.  Hello?  My lips to God's ear. LITERALLY.

How about this girl?

Sweetheart.  Begged me to stay with her (as a publicist). Just had to move on after Brad clouded the picture.  Still. A babe who can ACT.

How about this dog?

Snoopy would be nobody without my help.  Nada. Zilch. A cartoon on a bathroom wall. Made him the most famous dog on the planet.. other than my dog...

The Snoopster

I wish I could tell you about all the times we spent hammering out his career, and then just ending up being hammered. I wish I could remember, because then I could tell you. Awesome. Huge.

I love the blacks.  I love the Jews. I love everybody. Don't get me started. No point in pointing fingers of hate in my direction. Because POOF I can just disappear. LIKE FRICKIN' THAT.

And I'm still working with a few people who are no longer on the planet.  I mean that seriously. I get contacted all the time from folks who are no longer here - but NEED A GOOD WORD PUT IN FOR THEM.

So let's just call me what I am. THE POPE OF PUBLICITY.

I'M THE PUBLICITY POPE.  

DON'T BE A DOPE.

CLIMB A ROPE.

JOIN UP WITH THE POPE.

OF PUB...LICITY.....

(That was a song I wrote some years ago, was huge in New Zealand.. or somewhere, New was in the title - it ran as an ad campaign for like six years or something.  Awesome numbers.)

Did I tell you about some of the women I've represented?

No?  

I won't either.

But look at these faces...  

Tough client. But convinced him medals were in. Look at him now. Michael Jackson named his brother after him!


I can't take total credit for him.  Our first meeting was in the old KGB headquarters near Red Square. But I did talk him into this face pancake - and got him to drop the Vlad name. "Too dracula" I told him.  Now he's just "Putin" as in "Put it in and twist it baby!"


I talked her into doing Pretty Baby.  Not Pretty Woman. This was a prequel.  Anyways, she was cute, nice laugh, got her on her feet. I said "Why don't you do this pizza movie? It's hilarious and they pay you in food!"


Knew him when he was a young pup. I mean literally - a puppy. Who knew? I said "Doc shows are in."  He took my advance and my advice. Later I said "Italy is in."  So he bought a lake.  Who do you think came up with the line "No Martini? No party!"  You're welcome Gigi.

Look familiar?

They should.  THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY CLIENTS.

Or maybe not.  Either way, I'm still Johnny Baron Power Publicist.

I appreciate all the new attention. But I can't do my job if you people are talking about me.

So.. what would do you want to know about the real Johnny Baron that I haven't covered so far?

I'm the best publicist alive.  Some guys were better than me but they are no longer here.  Sometimes I put stuff up for them as well. Stay tuned.

So, as we march into Washington - and we will get there, believe you me, I'm gonna be there with my clients - whom I can't say who they are, but believe me THEY'RE HUGE... I'm going to be there in DC standing just to the right in the back behind the guy at the podium.. that's right. You can't see me, you can't know me - because I'm invisible.  I don't exist.  (Not literally - I'm here, writing this sentence, aren't I?) But you don't know I exist because I'M THAT FRICKIN' GOOD.

At what I do.

which is publicity.

This has been Johnny Baron, power publicist speaking from the great beyond.  And for those of you who have never met me - my famous catch phrase at the end of a power call:

"Over and in!!!"