John Oliver is a Limey Bastard

Mind you... I'm not prone to epithets.

But C'MON.  John Oliver is a LIMEY BASTARD.

I mean really.  Has ANYONE SEEN HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

He walks around with a mic on his tie "just in case." So British.

We know he's a Limey.  And that's not a negative thing.  It's just how Brits like to call themselves. Why Limey?  I don't know. Probably something to do with their bad teeth.  Or maybe it's when they always got malaria out in the "noon day sun."  Then they started adding Limes to mask their breath.  Could be.  I see it as a positive.  Go Green you Limeys.

Is he a bastard? I don't know. Why don't we ask the Limey to see his certificate of birth, or whatever they call it in Limeyland.

Just don't call them Irish.  They're really GREEN WITH ENVY.  So maybe Limey is something the Irish named them.  Kinda Limey.

Wait, no, he's A LAME LIMEY BASTARD.

That's right. That's you Johnny. Lime and lame.  Both of you.

His Marcel Marceau years.

Last night on his show, which I don't watch mind you, but it has been brought to my attention, because I have a lot of people who bring things to my attention... he was going on about my career as a publicist.  SAID THAT JOHN MILLER DOESN'T EXIST!

Well, I couldn't be John Miller if I didn't exist could I?  

Limey Bastard. Nice shirt though.  Hair cut anyone?

How about my birth certificate. You want to see THAT?  

This whole brouhaha - which should really be spelled BREW and then the Ha Ha part.  Because it's more correct in my mind.  Brewed or manufactured nonsense that makes you want to go Ha ha.  But I digress.

I'm told - that Mr. Oliver (and I use that term loosely, as I haven't seen his birth certificate) went on his show last night and challenged me to appear.

BUT I CAN'T FRICKIN' APPEAR!!! 

He knows this.  I told him so.  I actually have a photograph of myself and Mr. Oliver - yes I do - and I told you previously I DON'T APPEAR IN PIX BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT ME - IT'S ABOUT MY CLIENTS!

But I do have a photograph with Mr. Oliver and myself. We were talking about his career or lack of it. And I gave him GREAT ADVICE. I said "Don't lose the accent. It works for you. You'll be the Limey Jon Stewart."  

Let me tell you where it was taken. It was taken near Wall Street. Yes, that Wall Street. And that Limey Bastard was out marching with the Writer's Guild Members - I mean, really?  He had a picket sign when those writing bastards were walking up and down and around in a circle. More money the fellow wanted. Of course in his position, writing for The Daily Show he probably paid to write on it.

This is not the photo. This is OLIVER ST. JOHN. Notice the resemblance?

As if MARCHING ON WALL STREET WOULD MEAN ANYTHING TO ANYONE.  But that's what you get when you mix so called "creative types" with a union.  A bunch of drinkers walking in a circle with picket signs. 

But at some point - I saw the Limey Bastard (LB as he should be known - LBJ even better as he's a junior version of that bastard LBJ whom I used to represent, but that's another frickin' story. Stop making me digress!)

LB was on the picket line, and yes indeed, he BEGGED ME FOR A PHOTO.  Now I normally don't appear in photos with actors, writers, directors, any of my stars, any of my oscar winners, political candidates because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT THE CLIENT.

She was there that day. I suggested she stop making people laugh at the Evanston YMCA and take up comedy. Because she was one funny card checker.  You're welcome.

How many times do I have to repeat that?  I BEG MY CLIENTS NOT TO THANK ME.  The fact that he has me on tape identifying myself - just shows that I didn't know I was being recorded. Because my name ain't John Miller.  It's Johnny Baron - as in Barone - pronounced BAY RONE.
So you're looking for Johnny Miller big shot?

I GOT YOUR JOHNNY MILLER. RIGHT HERE.

No I'm not Jeff Garlin. This was a former client also pretending to strike for the WGA, but he was on the other side of the country. That's the back of my head below center.

Oh, so you want me to appear on your show Mr. Oliver?  Yeah, you and the Pope. (Who did ask me to appear on his behalf in Rome during that convocation nonsense, I told him - "Dude, it's sewn up shut tighter than a nun's twat!" - He thought I'd said "too hot" - so we never got that straight - until he became the Pope that is. Let's just say "My lips to God's ears." You're welcome Frankie.  But I digress)

Here's my offer to you Mr. Oliver smart guy. Limey Bastard. LB.

I WILL NOT APPEAR ON YOUR SHOW.  But I will make your show a BETTER SHOW by making a BRILLIANT comedy bit SUGGESTION.

"Shove it up your arse?"  No.  That's your puerile humor. (Isn't that a GREAT WORD? It combines Poo and Pew and Rile. Hilarious.) Just like it's puerile you Limeys put an R in Ass.  

What? Ass isn't good enough for you?  No, you dainty doily wearing gits go and add an R as if that's a more polite way of saying ASSHOLE.  Arsehole?  Are you kidding me? Who the frick says arse anyway?  A Horse's Arse? Arse-holio? Arse-inio? C'MON. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. There's no R in ASS. But I digress.

But that's not my suggestion for a comedy bit for your show.  "Drop the A from Arse you'll be happier you did so."  No. It's funny, but peurile.  Here's the what the smart money would do.. and if you knew me, you'd know I'm SMART MONEY.

Get one of your comedy goons to appear in my place.  Put them in a booth, promise them that you'll alter their voice and their face because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME, IT'S ABOUT THE CLIENTS.  Any good publicist can tell you this.  And believe me, I'M THE BEST.

So you slow down their voice for the bit - you ask them a question. "How are you really?" in your silly limey way.  Wigging your fingers like Snidely Whiplash which you like to do.  And then the audience hears "IIII'''MMMM  JOHHHHHNNNNNYYY MILLLLLLERRRR." Sounds like someone ratting on the Mafia (not a good idea, trust me I KNOW) or some Al Qaeda dude - like Larry Qaeda talking out of school.  "Whaaaat wwwwoooould youuuu likkkkeee toooo knowwww Johnnnnn?"

And then you make a big deal of sneaking over and revealing JON STEWART behind the curtain, behind the mask - who is PLUGGING HIS NEW SHOW ON HBO.

Here's your Johnny Miller. You're welcome.

C'mon. Is that not brilliant?

I know it's brilliant. You're welcome.

Fine, use Ellen DeGenerous. Use Edward Snowden. Whatever. Take yer pick.  

I give you permission to use my name JOHN MILLER on your show but not my likeness on your show. Because it's not about me. It's about my clients. You're welcome.

I am the Pope of Publicity.  I am invisible for a reason. Because I'm that good.  I made a mistake of not sweeping that office for bugs when I was caught on tape, I should sue that maroon, that creepy-so-called-journalisto for recording my voice illegally.  Without my permission. Hello?  

So I do a good imitation of my clients. SUE ME. You should hear my Ronnie Reagan. My Maggie Thatcher.  My George Clooney.  I'm not saying I represented these people - because that would put me in breach - and them in breach. It's part of my contract. NO ONE SAYS WHO I AM AND I TELL NO ONE I REPRESENT THEM.

You should have heard me when I repped Gaddafi.  (He's dead so it's ok). Oh My God. That was hilarious.  Then he stopped paying me.  I mean, I don't get mad - I get even.  A couple of well placed calls to my pal Ronnie - and badaboom! compound bombed, the check was in the mail. 

But I'm sorry to say I couldn't save his ass in the end (not arse, please!) because, he ran out of cash, and I don't work for people I don't work for.

I recommended the goatee. It's painted on. Good disguise. Could be Adam Driver on a bad day.

If you know what I mean.

But I have given you a BRILLIANT BIT.  So either you are a BRILLIANT TWIT, or GIT, or whatever IT you Limeys call yourselves, and you use my idea - or don't.

Either way. DO NOT CREDIT ME WITH THIS IDEA.  Do not thank me.  I don't want thanks.  I just want you to know that just because you think you know the truth, don't think you know the truth, because the truth is smarter than you think.  And you can't be too smart to really know that the truth is relative.  And right now, right here, in this moment - a distant relative.

Be good Johnny O. (If you'd been my client I would have convinced you to drop the Oliver - too clowny - "Oliver O Oliver" was a famous clown in Chicago =- I know, I repped Ray too - and "more food for Oliver!" is just too show bizzy... I'd have gone for "Johnny O!" - but that's just me. I'm an up type happy guy.  I like to use exclamation points liberally because - well, they work!  don't they.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. But I do have a picture of you, acting all communistey - all Joe Stalin - and what not, walking the picket line on Wall Street during the WGA strike.  Because I took the pic, and I should know, I'm in it.

But nobody else knows.  That pic is priceless. HUGE.

If you need any more great ideas, YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. I can even help you make your show successful.. HUGE. Maybe move to twice a week... But maybe you don't want huge.  Maybe you just want smoke up your arse.  

From Salon.com "John Oliver hilariously unmasks Donald Trump."
Not so fast you Limey Bastard.  

"Over and In!"