Make America America Again... Great

I was going to call this post "Why I Matter."

But most of you don't know me - have never known me - haven't seen me.  There's a lot of people who have seen me.  Who know me and who know my work. And they matter. I matter.

when america was great circa 1965

You'd think I'd say "Everyone matters" but that takes us down the path of "Black Lives Matter," "White Lives Matter" blah blah blah. "Toads Matter."  I'm not saying these folks aren't right - it's a spontaneous response to something that's really wrong with the country - I just wish I'd thought of it, and copyrighted the slogan.  but I digress.

As if it matters.

Don't get me wrong.  I have my likes, my dislikes.  My prejudices, my non prejudices.  I used to like corn flakes.  Now I wouldn't be caught dead eating a cornflake, or a wheatie.  Why is that?

Used to be the breakfast of champions!

when niagara falls was great

Used to be, when I wanted to puff up a client, make them feel like I'd really been doing the hard working of getting them out into the world, I'd get them on the cover of the cereal box.  Because I could do that - pick up the phone - say the right phrase and voila.  Bruce Jenner anyone?  Wheaties Box.  One of the most amazing male athletes I've ever had the pleasure to represent.  The man was HUGE. I mean everyone knows his name.  You couldn't walk into a tent in darkest africa - and I've been in a few - without hearing his name.

Boom. Wheaties.   

Which reminds me - America used to be great.  It was a great place to grow up. To make money. To rock and roll.  I remember walking down 7th avenue in Manhattan at any time day or night and being propositioned by hookers.  Where'd they all go?  America has lost its hookers.  Why is that?

wikie wheaties

I remember when you could buy a building, go bankrupt, turn around sell the company, which would then buy the building back, then you could go bankrupt again - without anyone being the wiser.  Now it's ... well, not impossible, but that much harder.  That's not great. That's lame.

I can remember when I could pick up the phone and finger dial the heads of the networks and tell them - "this is the time slot I want for such and such star."  Now phones aren't even connected to telephones anymore.  I used to wrap the cord around my assistant's neck when they really bothered me... now you can only plunk it off their head!  But I digress.

America used to be great.  You could get in a Corvair, drive all over hill and dale - maybe avoid getting rear ended - because they had a tendency to you know - blow up.  I can remember when I could go into a bathroom and not have to look over my shoulder to worry about someone coming up and standing next to me who may or may not be a girl - well, maybe that's kind of difficult to stand up if it's a girl pretending to be a guy - unless they have one of those plastic extension things - so disgusting, why did you bring this up?

But I used to go in bathrooms and not worry when I heard the door open - "Is this a guy dressed as a girl coming in here to hear me pee?"  Or "Is this a girl dressed as a guy going around taking hidden footage of people peeing?"  I mean now I think about it all the time.  Ever since I heard Chuck Berry had a camera in one of the toilets in his restaurant... was it Chuck Berry?  I forget - some rock star.  Had a camera.  Looking at stuff.

I want America to be great again where I could go into the Catholic church and confess all my sins, and even if the Priest made an advance at me - I mean, sometimes they did, sometimes they didn' t - but we didn't TALK ABOUT IT.  I mean - c'mon.  Joe Paterno. Penn State.  Great school. Great football team. Now all I can think of is that he knew that his assistant coach was doing the nastiest things with the younger kids on the team.. ew disgusting, why did you bring this up?

And then you've got this Oklahomo - state legislature passing this law against abortions.  I want to make america great again - when people had a thriving back alley business - where they did whatever they had to do - I think I remember coat hangars involved - can you imagine the inventiveness of that? I mean I've used coat hangars to open up my locked car door, but a coat hangar to... ew. disgusting. Why did you make me think of that?

My point is MAKE AMERICA AMERICA AGAIN, OKAY? GREAT.

Like it used to be. When people knew their place.  And if they didn't know their place, there was a guy with really short hair and a paddle, and thick glasses who would pull your pants down and let you know what your place was - over his knee, paddling away... BANG BANG BANG... woah.  I had no idea I remembered that. I thought I forgot all that.

Make America get down under the desk again.  Duck and cover!  I mean how hard can it be?  All these people coming out of the closet? Can't they just go back in there with a flashlight?  I mean really.  I long for that days when we didn't have to worry if a guy who identifies as a girl suddenly shows up in the high school locker room washing his man parts in the shower.  I mean - I can't remember that ever happening anywhere in any country anywhere on the planet.. but i digress.

Ah... merica.  Great. Again. As it was back in oh... 1965. Back of my head.

BUT I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU.

Hire me.

I can make America America Again.  How great is that?  Simple. Look me up. I'm Johnny Baron - sometimes known as John Miller. Sometimes known and sometimes not.  Don't thank me. 

You're welcome.

"over and in!"

Does Colbert Poop In the Woods?

This is getting silly already.

Suddenly I'm a hot commodity!!!

PH? Where's the PH in Steven? Or the T in Colbert?

Steve-N Col-bare started yakkin' about me last night.

Post a clip of himself calling out JOHN MILLER.

Hello? Did he bother to use his skinny fingers and go to a search engine and type in JOHN MILLER PUBLICITY?

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE TO DO MR. TRAVEL SHOW FROM SECOND CITY?

Who goes to see the travel show?  I ask you.

SO HE WASN'T READY FOR THE MAIN STAGE.

Fine.  He's a funny one, I'll grant you that.  FUNNY HAHA.

So this bit - wow. I mean just wow. Hit the runway like a pancake, flapped its wings and fell flat-o on its face-o.

Just watch it - see if you LAUGH OUT LOUD ONCE.




SO FUNNY TO PUT A FAKE MOUSTACHE AND SHADES ON A CLIENT AND CLAIM IT'S ME.

Hello?  Stefano?  Then somebody puts up my name as John BARRON. With two R's. C'mon - really? Did at any point I ever say my name was BARRON WITH TWO R'S?  You have a named with a silent T AND A SILENT PH! Since when does PH sound like Vee?  Phu! Tee.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING COLBERT BUT YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE TEE.

WHY NOT?  WHAT'S HE GOT AGAINST TEA?

I mean c'mon - the guy's from No Carolina for god's sakes.  Not ever from Carolina - he's from NO Carolina.  "Nothing could be fina than to be in No Carolina... in the mornin'..."

Carolina rhymes with a part of the anatomy that I can't even bring myself to name. Suffice to say that Mr. Platen there - Stevie "Host with the Least" is going to be saying a bunch of Hail Mary's, Our Padres and Acts of Contrition when he gets to the Pearly Gates.

Did I mention that Francis was my client?  Yeah, that one. You know, the Pope fella.  HE WAS NOBODY IN ARGENTINA UNTIL I MADE HIM SOMEBODY IN ROMA.  And you can quote me on that nugget.  

I'm not supposed to brag about my clients - but Frankie has been begging me to speak out - because he points out that it must BE DIVINELY PLANNED if I was there to help him move into the White Palace - and somehow I maybe have a direct line to the big Man upstairs. 

took this when he was trying to high five me.

I'm not sayin' that's true.  I'm sayin' he says that could be true.  Whatever. Don't thank me at Oscar time, don't thank me when you win the NOBEL, or the EMMY or GRAMMY (and I would know because NONE OF MY CLIENTS HAVE DARED TO THANK ME FOR THOSE AWARDS!!!"

But I will tell you how I got the nickname "The Pope of Publicity."  It was Karol Woytya actually.  I pulled him aside some years ago and said "why not Pope?"  And he said "Forget it, I'm not Italian, it will never happen. They will never elect a Polish Pope."To which I said "You're dead wrong Karol!  You are so wrong, with my help you will not only be elected Pope YOU'LL BE NAMED A FRICKIN'S SAINT!"

Pre-Saint Pic

I might have said another word instead of fricken. Mea culpa. mea maxima culpa.  I GOT YOUR MAXIMUM CULPA, RIGHT HERE!!!

Over and IN!