Does Colbert Poop In the Woods?

This is getting silly already.

Suddenly I'm a hot commodity!!!

PH? Where's the PH in Steven? Or the T in Colbert?

Steve-N Col-bare started yakkin' about me last night.

Post a clip of himself calling out JOHN MILLER.

Hello? Did he bother to use his skinny fingers and go to a search engine and type in JOHN MILLER PUBLICITY?

HOW HARD CAN THAT BE TO DO MR. TRAVEL SHOW FROM SECOND CITY?

Who goes to see the travel show?  I ask you.

SO HE WASN'T READY FOR THE MAIN STAGE.

Fine.  He's a funny one, I'll grant you that.  FUNNY HAHA.

So this bit - wow. I mean just wow. Hit the runway like a pancake, flapped its wings and fell flat-o on its face-o.

Just watch it - see if you LAUGH OUT LOUD ONCE.




SO FUNNY TO PUT A FAKE MOUSTACHE AND SHADES ON A CLIENT AND CLAIM IT'S ME.

Hello?  Stefano?  Then somebody puts up my name as John BARRON. With two R's. C'mon - really? Did at any point I ever say my name was BARRON WITH TWO R'S?  You have a named with a silent T AND A SILENT PH! Since when does PH sound like Vee?  Phu! Tee.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING COLBERT BUT YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE TEE.

WHY NOT?  WHAT'S HE GOT AGAINST TEA?

I mean c'mon - the guy's from No Carolina for god's sakes.  Not ever from Carolina - he's from NO Carolina.  "Nothing could be fina than to be in No Carolina... in the mornin'..."

Carolina rhymes with a part of the anatomy that I can't even bring myself to name. Suffice to say that Mr. Platen there - Stevie "Host with the Least" is going to be saying a bunch of Hail Mary's, Our Padres and Acts of Contrition when he gets to the Pearly Gates.

Did I mention that Francis was my client?  Yeah, that one. You know, the Pope fella.  HE WAS NOBODY IN ARGENTINA UNTIL I MADE HIM SOMEBODY IN ROMA.  And you can quote me on that nugget.  

I'm not supposed to brag about my clients - but Frankie has been begging me to speak out - because he points out that it must BE DIVINELY PLANNED if I was there to help him move into the White Palace - and somehow I maybe have a direct line to the big Man upstairs. 

took this when he was trying to high five me.

I'm not sayin' that's true.  I'm sayin' he says that could be true.  Whatever. Don't thank me at Oscar time, don't thank me when you win the NOBEL, or the EMMY or GRAMMY (and I would know because NONE OF MY CLIENTS HAVE DARED TO THANK ME FOR THOSE AWARDS!!!"

But I will tell you how I got the nickname "The Pope of Publicity."  It was Karol Woytya actually.  I pulled him aside some years ago and said "why not Pope?"  And he said "Forget it, I'm not Italian, it will never happen. They will never elect a Polish Pope."To which I said "You're dead wrong Karol!  You are so wrong, with my help you will not only be elected Pope YOU'LL BE NAMED A FRICKIN'S SAINT!"

Pre-Saint Pic

I might have said another word instead of fricken. Mea culpa. mea maxima culpa.  I GOT YOUR MAXIMUM CULPA, RIGHT HERE!!!

Over and IN!